“You’re free”…that’s what my husband said to me this week. While that sentence has interesting undertones, in simple terms, I can drive my own car whereever I want, whenever I want, whereever I want, YIPEE!!!!! This has been TOO LONG coming! Also, I got an exemplary on my evaluation, and managed to teach 2 1/3 classes yesterday (full-time is 3)…I had arrived at 6:45, so I almost got an entire planning period in as well (would have if I had drive alone). Hmmm wonder if they’ve ever had a teacher work 6:30 until 1:30 before? If they were willing to do that, I could work full-time I think.    Interesting idea since they need more Geometry teachers. We’ll see how Monday goes (math tournament.
Well Thursday ushered in a weekend full of bad weather. And along with it, another blurry eye episode. Only this one didn’t trigger the neuralgia, it triggered a migraine that did not respond to my rescue meds. So I tried samples the neuro had given me along with caffeine. They worked. Apparently, I’m enterering a whole new world of migraine aura. Actually this makes me feel better, not worse; because it means that the new little opthamologist didn’t know squat. I may get an MRI at some point and I may be developing MS. But I’m not scared right now. Which is good. I have too much going on to be scared.
This monday I drove for the first time in 4 months. Mainly because I had a decent day at work and my neuro was surprised I hadn’t even attempted driving since going on the trileptal. I was fine. Someone even cut me off, and I just eased off the break. Hubby said that for the amount of time I had been not driving, I was calm and handled everything surprisingly well. I cannot explain the amount of independence this one little move provided me. Of course the rest of the week sucked, and I didn’t drive again; but just knowing I could if I wanted to was wonderful and powerful.
One day last week my vision went blurry in my left eye (the side with the neuralgia), and it hurt and it scared the snot out of me. I also had stabbing pain in my face every 15 minutes. SO, once I finally got the nurse to understand what was going on and convey it to the neurologist, all I had was pain meds and an appt with an opthamologist. The next day I go to the opthamologist, who after finding no optic neuritis (swelling of the optic nerve), and no problems with the retina, and only mild problems with depth perception that I supposedly have had all of my life and he doesn’t know why I would just now be noticing them; procedes to tell me that the neurologist would have to perform more tests to confirm MS. I was like I haven’t even been told he suspects that, I have trigeminal neuralgia and migraines. Then I asked if the tests were an MRI with contrast to look at the mylin of the optic nerve, and he said yes, very sheepishly. He said he would send a full report to my neuro. And the appointment was over, just like that. Leaving me more confused and scared that beforehand. Oh well, such is life.
Through a strange snaffoo in mail order pharmacy, I ended up resorting to local pharm who only had brand. Guess what, the attacks stopped, dead in their tracks, even though we went from 70 degree weather to the coldest day recorded with flurries and will go back to warm weather in a day. Hmmmmm, perplexing. Talked to someone about this who said that a pharmacist said that sometimes our bodies react differently to the fillers in the generics than in the brands. How odd, since I have a friend who did the opposite, went from a lot of attacks to none after switching to generic. Our bodies are very very weird indeed. I shan’t be posting the fillers or the drug name here, but would be interested in who’s had a similar experience with ANY medicine (you don’t need to name the med).
Time to go to work. Still not driving 
I’ve written several things over the past month and just saved them.  They were more cathartic for me to write than for anyone to read.
If there are any chronic pain patients out there who still read this, I’m curious.  Do you go through a loss of independence? Not driving, depending on someone else when you are really sick. And as a result, do you feel like you are losing yourself? That you are no longer yourself, just this burden to those that loved you and a memory to those that used to?
Do you lose your confidence of being able to understand your condition, set forward an action plan, know what the future holds? I no longer know what I want to be when I grow up. That is slowly being snatched from my hands.
Do you find yourself researching and reaching out for support and turning away frustrated, tired of the prospects that lie before you, unable to give anymore of yourself. Do you long to hang out with “normal people” but find yourself not having much to say?
Do you find yourself while researching and go “if people only knew” (see Trigeminal Neuralgia)
Do you find yourself lost, afraid to move, afraid not to move.
IÂ feel you my friend.
Sorry for the disappearance. A friend mistakenly told me that if I wrote on the board she writes for that I might get on as a writer there. Well hindsight is 20-20, shouldn’t have turned down the job in the first place.
Anyway, I’m back to writing here. I returned to work this week after a 2 month leave of absence. The week before returning was horendous. Which tells me that stress plays a huge role in this for me. I was even what you would deem “un-safe” at one point, which is stupid, I would never go through with it. But now I am going to see a therapist who specializes in chronic pain so maybe something good might come out of it, I don’t know.
The work week was actually unremarkable. I was tired as a dog, which was to be expected. But in general staff and students were glad to have me back, and the only attack I had AFTER I returned to work was before a huge front came through complete with tornado watches and the works. So I think I did ok, all things considered.
I see the neuro and the therapist next week. I guess we have a lot to discuss. :X
Last night we went to the funeral home. A former colleague whose children I both taught died this week. He was 54.  That is a sobering thought. The older I get, the younger people seem. Especially since I’m the age of a lot of my students parents, not this particular one, but a lot of them.
So so far returning to work is worse than I made it out to be, but I must also say that my husband has been a doll about it. Waking me up in time to take meds and taking me to work and picking me up. I don’t know if it would be that smooth if I had to get ready, go to school and then take meds. He’s worn out though. I can see it.  Another thing to discuss with the neuro.
Thank you to M and K (S), who sat me down and told me what it would be like going back. I wish I had calmed down and listened or rather calmed down and believed you. I guess I thought that if I was having that much trouble the week before that I was really in for it this week, but my face calmed down. My real foe is weather and myself. At this point the meds are suppressing the rest if I’m careful with what I do and don’t do. Guess next week we’ll start to tackle me. Not something i enjoy doing, but necessary?
A beast, writhing in the night,
with no concern for who he hurts
only wants to feed his own desires.
Those who try to slay him,
only become more enslaved.
Pure unadulterated evil unleashed.
Well I HAD all of my questions for my neuro ready.  Had them printed out. Had the blood tests the internists wants to have run in case he wants to add to it (I am a BAD stick and don’t want to do it twice). Had my necessary refills listed.  Had a list of topics to discuss.
But I had to go to facebook. And I had to see a friend was nervous…a friend with much more severe help problems than my piddly pain issues. And I had to go to her blog. And see how doing the day to day keeps her going. Just when I’m at the point where the day to day is about to make me break down and cry.  I didn’t scream before I hung up the phone with mom, but it hurt enough to…I waited until I hung up. I didn’t scream in my classroom, I calmly left and was about to faint by the time I reached the administration office that could get a substitute for me for the next period. That scared the crap out of the nurse…so much so that she had a student escort me back to class in case I did pass out….she could run for help.  I’m tired of pushing and pushing and I don’t know how my friend does it, but I now feel guilty saying that. I need to talk to my husband before I go…just so we’re on the same page…but damnit….i feel like a fucking wimp.
